Official Weight Watchers WI

I stepped on the scale and faced the music yesterday.  I let them write it down and record it.  137 lbs.  I have gained 14 lbs since lifetime January 2007, that’s roughly a weight gain of 1.6 pounds per month.

Why did I let this happen?  Why didn’t I do something about it sooner?  Stay within two lbs of my goal weight.  Why didn’t I attend a meeting when I was still within my goal and take care of it then?  I just don’t know.  Laziness perhaps, ego, shame. A bit of all of them I’m sure.  So what am I going to to differently so I’m not in the same boat again?

I think this time I need to realize this is not a game/race.  First to the finish wins kind of mentality.  I need to take my time and make those lifestyle changes.  I need to stop worrying about trying to find the “lightest” clothes I can for WI or making sure I went potty before hand.  I need to eat like a normal healthy person all week.  Not healthy most of the week, splurge after WI, and limit the food intake the day before WI.  I use to do that and to be honest I thought about it again yesterday.  If I just skipped lunch and go to WI tonight I’ll weigh less.  But then, common sense kicked in and I told myself that’s not the way to do this.  That’s not realistic, that’s not good for you.  So I forced myself to have breakfast(cream of wheat with pumpkin, tea, and a banana), lunch(taco twist soup, veggies and dip), snack(popcorn and an apple).  I weighed in and went home after the meeting and didn’t splurge.  I had my split pea soup and 2 whole wheat yogurt biscuits(2pts each.WW recipe).  Then logged my food.

I need to make this a lifestyle change and all the game playing will not help me in the end.

Yoga

I did yoga for the first time ever last night!  You know what?  I liked it!  I was really scared going into it, Fit Yoga was the class name.  Exactly what is fit and do I have to be fit to do it?  I was running late as usual and up until I actually reached the desk to sign up I contemplated about not going and working on the weight machines instead.  I didn’t want to walk in late.  But I did it!  I walked in by myself and looked around, at least tried to look around.  It was mostly dark except for one candle in the middle of the room with all the people circled around it.  I looked around and noticed they all had the same mat so with a little more searching I found the bin with the mats in them.  I had brought my own just in case and I think I’ll use mine next time.  I love the color.  Anyway, she told me they had just begun and if this was my first time.  Yes it was and please take it easy on me I was thinking.  So I rolled the mat out and tried to do my best and follow what everyone else was doing.  I impressed myself!  I was able to follow quite easily and there was only a few positions where I know more stretching will help with the flexibility.  I also need to work on my balance but otherwise I felt great.  After class she even commented on how well I was able to keep up!

As I was leaving I was wondering if it would hit me later. Sore muscles.  There were muscles I don’t think I’ve ever moved.  But driving home all I could think about was how great I felt.  How my back seemed more relaxed even though I felt like I was sitting up straighter, my stomach didn’t feel like it was protuding as much.  There was absolutely no soreness anywhere.  Today is the same way!  I would highly recommend yoga to anyone that asks.  I think I’ve found something I love!

I’m doing it!

I don’t want to jink myself but I’m really feeling good right now.  I did a 2 mile walk during my lunch on Monday, then DH and I took the puppy out for a 1 mile walk before dinner.  Yesterday I did 8 miles on the eliptical while watching “The Biggest Loser”.  Tonight I am planning on going to the gym to do the weight machines and another couple miles on the treadmill.  I joined a 12 in 12 Turkey Trot Challange on the WW message boards. The challange is to get 12 miles in per week to hopefully lose 12 pounds by Thanksgiving.  Any challange that will keep me going is a good one.  I’m also hoping it will get me into shape so I’ll be able to run the 5k Turkey Trot on November 17th!

I’ve been eating mostly Core foods and counting points for the non-Core ones.  My manager was on a trip to Arkansas and brought us each a jar of Sweet Potato Butter.  It is so good.  Like eating pumpkin pie.  I figured out the point value to be a 1 1/2 Tbls. for 1 pt.  So I had it on a 1 pt English muffin yesterday and I stirred a Tbls. of it into my oatmeal this morning.  Really loved the oatmeal! 

I even changed to the monthly pass instead of just the online tools.  So now I have no excuse not to go WI and attend a meeting!  I think just the prospect of having to WI is keeping me on track more.  I’m going to do this!

Secrets

So I was just on the WW site and looking at my public profile when I noticed I needed to change my signature.  Recommited 9/7/2007.  Which I probably meant it at the time but did not carry through.  So I changed that line in my signature to recommited 10/21/2007.  And then went to fitday to journal.  Why?  So my lack of commitment and follow through can be recorded where no one else can see it but me?

So here I am.  Hoping that if the world can see it I’ll do better.  My plan of attack is this.  I’m going to WI this Thursday  at 5:30 pm in Chaska no matter what.  I know my daughter has a voice lesson but not until 8:00pm.  I should get home around 7:00pm and the drive to Jordan is only 15 minutes.  It’ll be a hectic night and I’ll have to enlist DH to do dinner but it’s something I need to do for myself.

I noticed in my signature line also that I hit lifetime 1/20/2007.  I want to be back at goal in three months to hit my anniversary.  That’s roughly 1.08 lbs a week.  Can it be done? Yes!  Can I do it?  I’m going to try!  I know I should be going into this with a more positive attitude.  But frankly I’m scared, I’m afraid to fail again.  These past months when I knew I needed to do something and started then stopped, then started again.  It’s frustrating and still can’t wrap my head around why I do it.

I think the main thing I need to do to reach my goal is exercise, get moving again.  I feel confident, energetic, and simply more determined when I do.  I guess those endorphines do do something.

 Going to take a walk during lunch today!

Corified my kitchen.

That was my big undertaking this weekend.  I decided I needed to clean out the kitchen.  I had done this last time and slowly over time it has become a mecca for junk food.

When we started completing the downstairs, we decided to include a kitchenette for the kids.  We wanted a place for them to hang out.  Yet not feel like we are monitoring them.  Unfortunately the food the kids want end up upstairs instead of downstairs.  So I took a laundry basket and started throwing everything that is not core into it.  I also threw out a lot of food that was opened and never finished.  It’s really amazing how much money I’ve wasted.  I threw out alot of bad tasting organic crap, bad tasting Harry & David, & I didn’t think anything of thiers could taste bad.  Oh well.  The kitchen and pantry is clean and it was just in time for me to go out and do some grocery shopping.

The wierd thing was, as I was shopping I was seeing all this junk food and thinking how much my kids love it and how I should buy it for them.  Why?  I just took  a bunch downstairs and filled the cupboards down there.  Do they really need it?  And what am I teaching them?  I mean I always include better food choices for them like bottled water and baked chips, fruit and anything else I can think of at the time.  But really, do I need to buy them the Oreos and the organic ginger snaps?  Usually the Oreos goes first, then the others.  If I’m trying to change my lifestyle with healthier options shouldn’t I be doing the same for my kids?

I was reading a text from my DD to one of her friends and she was saying how she was downstairs because that is where I moved all the junk food.  Her friend responded by telling her that’s where she’d be if her mom did that.  What if I just didn’t buy any junk food for them?  Part of me wants to do that and part of me is scared that the kids will just go hangout at some other house.   I like knowing where my kids are, who they are with, and what they are doing.

So what is the greater evil?  Having junk food in the house for the kids or not knowing who, what, when and where?

Gotta love Karma

So after my recent episodes I’m feeling much better.  I think part of my going Emo the other day was in part to TOM.  M-arse is still a jerk and I’m trying very hard to ignore him.

Yesterday he was complaining about how his tivo wasn’t working and how he’ll have to send it in and pay money to get it fixed, he then screwed up on by cutting the wrong carpet for a job and this morning he was telling me how his big screen tv isn’t working.  I told him it was probably Karma and asked him if he had done anything wrong or been mean to anyone.  He of course thought about it and said “No.”  As I got up from my desk and headed towards the back I told him.  ” No, it has to be Karma because your a jerk.”  and walked away.

Maybe it’s not Karma but I feel better. :P

What a loser…

Okay so I had to add this…. My manger has to take off to check on a remodeling job.  Guess who comes up to my desk?  Yep, co-worker guy.. We’ll call him M-arse.    He’s trying to lean over again and chomping on food.  I try to ignore him but the loud chomping is driving me crazy!  So I look up from what I’m doing and M-arse sayes “Carrots, I have a whole bag back there if you want some.”  I tell him “No thank you.”  And he replies “What?  Too healthy for you?”  I just force a grin and say “No, I have my apple here.” while I’m gesturing towards it.  Why does this guy bug me so much?!  I know I need to lose weight, he doesn’t have to point it out!  He is such a M-arse!

I’ve hit bottom

So it finally happened.  I broke down crying the other day.  My clothes are just not fitting me and “the” dress that I worked so hard to fit into does not fit.  Years ago when I was out shopping I found a dress that I fell in love with.  At the time it was a little snug and I thought to myself I just need to lose a couple pounds and it’ll fit perfectly. Ten years later while it hung on my closet door I found the motivation to lose those couple pounds and the additional 40 that I had put on since then.  I loved wearing that dress and I remember wearing it to my goal WI.  Now that dress is hanging on my closet door again.  My motivation.  I will not wait 10 years again!

 I’m not sure why I have to hit bottom to really realize that something is wrong and I need to do something.  Maybe it’s the stress, too many things going on at one time?  I don’t know.  I just know I can’t live like this anymore.  I’m unhappy and I really don’t like it.  When I’m at work I feel like I need to make sure I’m standing straight and sucking in my gut.  So my bulges aren’t doing the muffin top thingy.  I’m also ready to take my male co-worker and shove a high calorie muffin up his arse.  All I hear from him is  -” Do you every notice how fat people eat so much crap?  Why do they eat that? I need new pants, these are just falling off of me. I haven’t done push up forever but today I did 25 of them in my office and I could have done more. Blah, blah blah.”  I just wish he would shut up!  Oh get this… he was just at my desk.  I was telling him that my DH is going to help out with the puppy and the kids so I can start going back to the gym after work.  His exact words” Is he trying to tell you something? hehehehe”  I really dislike him! And I can’t get away from him.  I’m the admin assistant/receptionist here and so most of my days are spent at my desk.  He has nothing to do so is always coming up here.  I have tried to ignore him and just continue to do my work.  He has the nerve to lean over my desk and see what I have on my screen.  Makes me want to get one of those privacy screens for the computer.  He just bugs the hell out of me.  He just keeps talking!  Okay vent over he’s gone.  Hopefully the dirty look I just gave him will keep him away for awhile.

Okay, much better now!  I vented.  I’m very lucky that my manager is also a good friend.   She is going to talk to him about wandering into my area all the time.  That is a relief.  She also understands how touchy I am about my weight.  She struggles right along with me. 

So back to what I was talking about.  My DH found me crying in our closet and I told him why I was so upset.  He assured me he would do anything to help.  So that is when we decided I needed to get back to the gym and clean out the pantry again.  I adore him.  I will jump on the elliptical on Tuesday (which I did last night!), hit the gym on Wednesday, and take a class on Saturday morning.  I’m feeling better about myself and in return I feel more confident about my food choices.

Do you ever experience that?  When I workout I’m more prone to make better food choices.  I guess I just want to keep the good choices going.

So here’s to me!  I feel like my heart is in it finally!

Still here…kinda…

So, I’m still hanging around.  I have been pretty busy with the new puppy.  I haven’t been good at all about WW.  My heart just doesn’t seem in it, at this time right now.  I know I really need to get this under control because my work clothes are getting tighter.  I couldn’t even button my pants yesterday.  Luckily they also had a string tie closure so I could still get away with wearing them.  Today I am wearing my fat skirt (the one with an elastic band) which is very comfortable, but I have only one of these so I’m not sure what I’ll be wearing tomorrow.

I’ve been so busy this week at work.  Running about shopping and trying to coordinate all the items for the Grand Opening of our neighbors next door.  We are partners with them so we need to have balloons, food, drinks, decor, etc all done in an autumn harvest theme.  Just finished putting together 6 giant planters in the theme yesterday.  Oh, the opening is this weekend.  I really didn’t think it would be so difficult to try to find someplace that would do pumpkin tartlets and baklava for 200 people.  Then the balloon delivery was a nightmare. 

So anyway, usually it’s pretty slow this time of year and I have plenty of time to sit at my computer to surf, blog, whatever.  Not this time. 

As for the home life, it hasn’t slowed down much either.  Trying to get ready for my littlest birthday party this Friday.  I haven’t even ordered the cake yet or put together the treat bags.   I’m still watching the puppy like a hawk even though he seems to be pretty much litter trained.  We’ve only had a couple accidents this week and one was my son’s fault.  He took him out of the play yard but didn’t open the door for puppy to get to his box.  He peed right outside the door.  At least he tried to get back.

As for my DD.  She is still having boy troubles.  He is currently dating someone else but for some reason feels the need to rehash the special moments they shared together via texting.  What a loser.  Then he also likes to play this game where he gives his phone to his new girlfriend and she texts my daughter pretending to be him.    Why can’t they just let it go?

I am happy to annouce she made Anacarusis!  It’s an honors choir.  You need to be asked by your director to even audition, then you record a tape of yourself singing the song they request.  The recording is sent on to a board and they choose the choir.  It’s a state wide search, so I’m very proud of her again.  She’s my busy little bee, she will be starting danceline soon here, continuing to play volleyball with the junior olympics team, she’s still on the “A” honor roll and practices music for Anacarusis at home, her spare time is mostly spent with her friends until I get to be the “mean” mom and make her stay at home for an evening, sometimes, even a whole weekend day!

But, back to the weight loss, which was the initial reason why I started this blog.  So I told you about the Grand opening and how I am in charge of coordinating it.  I have priced out and tested( ate) so many desserts to see which one will work that I don’t want to even think about baklava, tartlets, quiches, mini muffins, and combos of trail mix ever again.  I did find a nice combo though and finished filling, and bow tying 200 bags of trail mix.  I have been out of the office this past week and eating on the run (fast food).  Yesterday I was so fed up with ordering another salad that I gave into the chicken tenders and fries.  The only meal that is even remotely WW is my breakfast. 

So I sit here pondering, if I know I need to lose weight, and I know how to do it.  Why am I not doing it?  My clothes are not fitting and I’m pretty much miserable getting ready for work.  I love the clothes I have and I really enjoy wearing them when I’m at my goal weight.  I also really want to check out the Vera Wang clothes now sold at Kohls but I’m not even going to step in there until I’ve lost some weight.  I thought that would be my motivation but apparently it’s not enough.  So where do I find my motivation?  Why can’t I get it wrapped inside my head.  It’s not helping that we have Halloween candy sitting everywhere.  Including my desk.  I know my co-workers are just thinking about me, and yes I use to love (& still do) eating all those mini chocolate variety bars.  But please, why are you buying me bags of it?  Bringing me in a candy dish for my desk?  I thought I was being polite when I told you, “oh, no thanks, you just keep it.  I don’t even have a candy dish to put them in.”  Well, thanks for the candy dish.  The only good thing is, I get alot more visitors.  They only want me for my candy.  I have become a candy pusher!

Off Topic…

Last night I couldn’t sleep.  I had so many thoughts running through my head I just couldn’t stop.  I thought about writing them down but really didn’t want to get out of bed and I knew I’d remember them today anyway.  So here’s what kept me up all night.

Most of it was my DD -

I don’t understand why she seems to have such a low esteem of herself. 

This is how I see her.  Beautiful, Smart, Responsible & Talented.

Beautiful – I’m a little bias since I’m her mom, but I don’t know how many times boys and girlfriends and other parents comment on her looks.  I remember just this summer when we got home from camping we found a letter address to her in our mailbox.  It was from a boy that apparently was camping next to us and just wanted to tell her how beautiful he though she was.  He had over heard us talking about being from BP and saw our last name on the back of her VB jersey.  Looked us up!  I mean a complete stranger had to write her a letter to tell her she was beautiful.

Smart -   First words  “what’s that?”, talking full sentences at two, pediatrician (sp?) suggested I get her into special classes for the gifted.  She’s always been on the “A” honor roll.

Responsible – Helps take care of her little brothers,family, &  friends, dumped one of her boyfriends because she wasn’t willing to “go farther”, dislikes drinking, smoking, and has shyed away from some of her friend that do.  Hanging out with a different group.

Talented – Has a wonderful singing voice.  Asked to try out for Honor’s choir in seventh grade.  Only one other person has made it to Honor’s choir and he’s a junior.  He was also her singing partner for High School Musical.  Speaking of that.  She was the youngest one in a lead role.  Beating out alot of 16-20 yr olds.  Plays VB and does danceline in school.  Excellent swimmer.

So how can she wrap herself imagine into to being the complete opposite?  Is it because of the last boyfriend?  He was a jerk and I’m so glad that he’s out of her life.  I mean seriously he was a sophomore, he knew how to play games with a thirteen yr old girl’s head.  They got to know each other for a couple months. Asked her to go steady right before we went on vacation, broke up with her within a week while we were still on vacation!  Sad.  Started hanging out again when we got back.  Saw each other for another month or so.  Asked her out again and asked her to wear his jersey for homecoming.  Dumped her after about a week and a half and a week before homecoming! 

Is this how it starts?  Is this why we women end up with having such an issue with self esteem and self hatred?  I don’t know how to protect her?!

So this is what she has posted on her myspace page -

About me:
ok. sooo…
i dont have the best body.
im not the prettiest person you’ve ever seen.
i dont have the best voice .
im not very responsible.
and my room is messy.
im not the most talented volleyball player.
sometimes, my grades may slip.
I cant hold onto a guy.
im not always the funnest person to be with.
and i complain a lot.
i makes many mmistakes.
and i dont always use my common sence.
im not the smartest person you’ll ever meet.
My hair is never perfect.
And my clothes dont always wear like i want them to.

i know im not perfect.
i dont need to hear it from you & me.
But thanks for pointing it out anyways.

  Is this a phase?  Will she out grow this and how will it affect her?  What do I do next?  Do I talk to her about it?  Or do I just leave it alone for her to work through?  I guess that is another thing I constantly think about.  Why does she always go for guys that are bad for her?  Why can’t she get to know the ones that are nice and treat her respectfully?  I mean – one of her guy friends told her Sean (ex) was a fool.  She went off on him saying you shouldn’t judge people when you don’t know them and so on.  Then he came back and said – “I just mean he’s a fool to let you go, I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with you. “  AAAwww, Dan’s been there for her everytime one of the jerks dumps her, but does she see it?  No.

Is there anyway to change it, or will she always fall for the bad boys?