I baked

This weekend it snowed!  I love the snow, the cold, the crisp air, and beautiful white it leaves on everything.  Thank goodness DH & I had already put up the outside Christmas lights and I filled the planters with spruce tops and dogwood branches and wrapped the evergreen garland around the front fence.  Every year I shell out money on these things (boy scouts) and complain that I should really buy the fake stuff and stash it away each year, but I don’t.

Since it was our first snow fall of the season it also brought forth the baker in me.  I was already on the fence about baking and this just pushed me over the edge.  The kids and a made a gingerbread house complete with gingerbread men, women, and snowmen.  Most of these have been eaten already and I wish I would have taken some pictures.  I did one women in a wedding dress and the man completed the set with a white ruffled shirt and suspenders.  That same day I also baked pistachio pretzel cookies (brought them to work today), banana muffins (had to use up the overripe ones), chocolate cookie toffee(already gone), and apple cloutifi.  I’m still in the baking mood, but I do feel better.  I really enjoy baking with the kids and watching them actually interact with each other that doesn’t involve bickering is also a plus.  I still have the baking bug so who knows what I’ll be making next.

 I did sample some of what I baked but I think over all I’ll pat myself on the back for not stuffing myself.

Torn

I’ve been having alot of issues lately.  I know that emotional eating doesn’t fix anything but what about emotional baking?  When ever I got upset I use to bake things, not just one item like a cake but multiple items like a cake, cupcakes, cookies, turnovers, pies, and marshmallows (in three different flavors).  Unfortuately I also ended eating some and then bringing the rest to work.  Coworkers would have a hay day and I’d feel better.  Baking therapy.  But like I stated before I would always have to sample what I baked and it had to be baking, not cooking, like dinner.  The opposite holds true.  When I get emotional I hate cooking, dinner is what ever you can find. 

So my stuggle is I want to bake!  These past two weeks have been awful.  Make it three weeks.  It started going downhill on the Duluth trip. Eating out was stressful.  I had four  kids(DS #2 brought a friend) and a husband that love pizza & nurgers, since those food items are few and far between in our house hubby that this would be an excellant time.  All weekend was crap.  I ate a huge salad before eating the  pizza from Pizza Luce. Didn’t seem to help.  I even orderd the veggie pizza with red sauce not the garlic cream sauce, easy on the cheese.  Still ate way to much.  All of eating out was like that.  I would go in with great intentions, order healthier items and still ended up eating more than I should have.

Got back to work on Monday and found out they let one of my co-workers go.  It was the one I didn’t get along with so well.  The one who loved to make inappropriate comments.  So I was torn on how I should feel.  I felt bad but not real bad since I really didn’t care for the guy.  Of course a card was passed around for money to help him out.  I put $20 in and signed my name.  I just didn’t know what to write.  Anyway he came in yesterday and was talking about the card and he noticed how some people just signed thier names and thought that meant something.  Then the wierd thing was he asked if I wanted to have lunch with him.  Hell no!

Thanksgiving was stressful, cooking, family, house cleaning, eating way too much again.

Yesterday we found out another person was let go.  This one I liked and will miss dearly.  He was the only other that lived in my part of the woods, south of the twin cities in a smaller town.  He enjoyed gardening and we would always swap produce and recipes.

Then this morning was the kicker.  I went to pick up my daughters phone off the floor so it wouldn’t get stepped on.  It went off and I read the text message.  It was from the old boyfriend and I had to scroll up and read the rest.  The last thing I wanted was him back in her life.  Sure enough he wants to get back together with her and “hang out”.  Anyway, what caught me off guard was him asking her why she seems so tired all the time.  She told him she’s struggling with anorexia!  Whatthe!  So I thought about it.  I always remind her to grab something for breakfast, but I never see her eat anything.  Lunch is at school, so again I don’t know.  Then at dinner she always eats very little.  This is where my thought process went before I found out about the anorexia thing – she should eat more, but telling her to eat when she’s full might lead to bad habits of always feeling she needs to finish her plate. So I never said anything and excused her from the table.  So maybe she does have a slight problem.  I looked into it and it was surprising to find that alot of girls turn to anorexia because they feel the need to be able to control something.  Usually it’s high achivers.  Girls that feel they have alot of expectations put on them.

So I tried talking to her this morning.  I asked her about it, she said it’s nothing.  I asked her if she’s talked to anyone about it.  She told me the school counselor, I asked her what she said, she told her she needed to eat to be able to participate in school activities.  I told her it’s true.  That she needs energy to perform well.  Oops, were those the wrong words again.  Expecting her to do well.  She just got quiet and told me everything was fine.

So now I have to wonder, is this really happening or is this some stupid ploy to make Sean feel bad about breaking up with her.

Thankful

Today I was reminded how thankful I am for my dear family.  A good friend of mine lost his daughter alittle over a year ago.  I think she was about 3 months.  He and his wife still deal with the pain and it sounds like their older daughter who is a little over 4 yrs is starting to realize something is different also.  If you get a chance read their journal, it is written with so much tenderness and emotion that it brings you to tears.  www.caringbridge.org/visit/livannabacon.

The toughest part is not knowing what to say to them.  I wish I was better at words, more poetic, that sort of thing.  Everytime I read a new journal entry of theirs I wonder how I can help them, I think about the pain and sadness they are going through.  I just wish I could help.  It’s getting close to Christmas time and I would love to buy an ornament with an angel or something inscribed with Liv’s name, but I don’t want to hurt them.  Do you think that would be okay?  Does anyone have an idea?  I really want them to know I am thinking about them.

Things are settling down.

I’ve been working through my emotional breakdown this weekend.  Last night I was hungry and looking for something but couldn’t put my finger on it.  So at 9:00pm my DH & I set out for the grocery store.  We mulled around looking at the food.  Picked up some crackers & cheese for my youngest, mandarin oranges for the middle one, El Fudge cookies for the oldest, Peanut Butter for the puppy, and DH settled on Orange Crush in bottles, and some fudge lite bars.  I was not sure what I wanted but knew it had to be sweet.  I picked out some WW ice cream (preportioned 2pts), some sugar Twists (1pt each).  I went home and made myself some SF/FF hot cocoa with two of the twist.  I say thats a NSV for me!  It could have been alot worse!

So for my ex husband dilema I talked to the kids and we decided that I would drive them once a month to see him but it wouldn’t start till after the holidays.  I also decided not to tell him in hopes it would motivate him more to get a car.  I’m also wondering if this upset him enough that he’ll stop sending child support.  Can he really do that?  I mean it’s sappose to be a law and it sappose to come right out of his check but I don’t think they enforce it at all.  He’s so far back in child support that he could be hauled off to jail for contempt of court.  Heck Bobbi Brown was thrown in jail for only being $10.000 behind.  I don’t have the lawyers to do that and the state isn’t going to do it for me.  Aww shucks. LOL

Crappy Weekend.

As I went though some other of my favorite blogs I noticed one in particular that really hit home with me.  Lady Shanny.  I was sitting in my bed covered up and crying and thinking about food.  About just eating something, anything, something to comfort me.

Instead of eating though I thought, what good would it do me and why do I want to eat. I came to the conclusion  of  – I don’t care.  There are alot of things in my life that I do care about but when I get depressed or upset I want to turn my thoughts to – I don’t care.  I like the I don’t care attitude.  It’s the idea that things/people that hurt me, can’t.  And it seems the easiest target not to care about is myself.  So there it is, my reason for emotional eating. 

So this is where it’s going to get long.  You can stop now, or find out what put me into the I don’t care  mindset.

Simply put – my ex-husband.  I don’t know why I let him get to me, I know I’m a good person but somehow when you let someone get close they know what buttons to push to send you over the edge.  My marriage to him lasted a little less than 5 years, I did take out two beautiful children from the marriage and I would never do anything to change that.  My ex is a control freak, he also has a way of always putting the blame when things don’t go right on someone else.  He’s self centered believing the world revolves around him and he can inconvience others at thier expense.  I woke up out of my delusional world while we were on vacation visiting some friends of his.  When his friend Dean’s wife ask me ” How do you put up with that?  Why do you let him treat you like that?”  Honestly I didn’t know and I started thinking about it.  All the way home from Arizonia.  I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t happy and I didn’t want my kids growing up in that enviroment.  I didn’t want my son to think it’s okay to treat women like servants.  I especially didn’t want my daughter to marry someone like her dad, thinking this is how it’s sappose to be.  I tried talking to him and letting him know that things needed to change if there was going to be a marriage.  He went to the bedroom and locked me out.  I slept on the couch that night knowing I was going to leave the next day.  In the morning I brought up the subject again to him slamming the door in my face as he left for work.  I left him that day.  The kids and I stayed with my parents while he sold off most of our belongings.  He wrote me a letter promising to change, to work things out.  That we should do it for the sake of the kids.  I was stupid and felt I should give him another chance.  I packed our stuff again and moved back.  Late that night after I had brought all the things up (we lived on the third floor) by myself, since I was the one who left.  he told me he pulled out some pork chops so I could make dinner.  I was still the servant.  This time I planned.  This time I left for good.

Since then it’s always been my fault.  He claims I was cheating on him with my current husband.  That’s why he doesn’t pay child support.  I won’t let him see the kids, that’s why he moved away. 

Well now he’s back and wants to see the kids again.  It’s been 9 years of him moving around and contacting the kids maybe 2-3 times a year.  He also enjoys writing me at least once a year to tell me what a selfish bitch I am, what a horrible mother I am, and how in the end God will punish me. That this is all my fault.  His miserable existance is my fault.  Maybe it is, maybe I did have a small part in it.  I think that thought gives me some pleasure.  Anyway, back to why I was upset this weekend.  he wrote me a letter asking to see the kids.  I told him that Sundays would work best due to the kids having activites on Saturday.  Ashley does volleyball, and both the boys have basketball.  I also imformed him that he would have to pick up and drop off the kids.  That I was not willing to drive them.  The shit hit the fan.

Instead of responding to me, he write Ashley an e-mail.  Telling her how I didn’t care about her, how stopping her from seeing him is irresponsible and selfish.  How he has done everything to be closer to them.  That he moved back from New York, and he found an apartment that is 20 minutes from our house, that he found a job and is starting to pay child support.  That I should be driving them since he’s done all that!

Doesn’t he get it.   I don’t care about the money.  I care about the effect he has on my kids.  I care that he thinks he can move from job to job to get out of paying child support.  I care that he thinks  being a good father is sending them a video showing the cruelty of KFC to chickens, that sending them used plastic cups from a football game is considered a Christmas present.  That contacting them 2-3 times a year is contacting them at every available moment.  Boohoo, that he is such a good dad, and I am the miserable overweight mom. Yes, he even wrote that to me.

So I am being unreasonable because I will not drive them there and back to see him.  That I don’t care about them.  That is what almost sent me over the edge this weekend.  It hurts so much when you know that being a good parent is your life.  That when someone judges you to be at fault, it hurts like hell.   Still does, and it always will.  He knows what means the most to me, the kids.  I would do anything for them.  And yes, even drive them to see him.  He so doesn’t deserve those kids.  I try to hard to be the good parent.  To see the lies in the letters yet never pointing them out to the kids.  I tell them that he is thier father and he just need to become more responsible and we should try to help him and forgive him.  Yet deep down I wish he would just move away again.  In the end of all his letters he tells them that he has found God and I will be punished in the end.  I wonder what God he has found that lets him judge people, that seems to serve only his purpose.  I wonder……. are we reading the same bible.  I guess like everything it’s how you interpret it.  Say a prayer for me, I could use the good word.

Satisfaction “sigh”.

I finally manage to drop some weight. 1.8 lbs to be exact!  Still I need to be in this mentally.  Last night after WI I made a Spinach Tortilla (WW recipe).  Cut it into 8 slices and served everyone a slice with a side salad.  After I was done I wanted more but instead I opted for another helping of salad.  I gotta say for a brief moment in time it was abit of a dilema.  It’s completely Core so I could have another piece if I wanted to and it tasted so good.  Then I asked my DH if he wanted another piece and he siad no thank you, I’ll take a piece for lunch.  So then I thought, well, if he’s not going to have another piece then I shouldn’t either.  Packed up the leftovers for two lunches and dilema was over. Although my youngest was not liking it so much.  Usually I make a Spinach quiche without the crust and this was on the same principle except diced potatoes were added.  I figured he’d like it since he’s also a potato eater, but, I guess not combined.

So this week my focus is still not eating past satisfaction.  Slow down my eating, enjoy the food, and listen for the “sigh”.  I’m not sure if those on Flex know what I’m talking about so I’ll try to explain it.  The theory goes something like this – when you are eating, at some point you stop for a moment, some times you may even put your fork down and take a little bit of a inhale, exhale, a sigh.  Most of the time we take that sigh and then continue on eating.  That is sappose to be our body saying to us, I’m good.  I’m full, stop eating.  I don’t need anymore.  Of course need and want are completely different things.  So if you get a chance and your eating, try to see if you can find your satisfaction “sigh”.  See if you can identify it.  Then if and when you do, what do you do then?  Do you stop eating, eat a litle bit more, or continue until your plate is empty?

Playing games or is it?

So if you haven’t noticed I’ve been kinda frustrated with myself.  I know if I follow the WW plan to a T, it should work.  Even if I eat all my WPA it should work.  Well for me it hasn’t.  I was good at getting my exercise in, walking 2 miles during my lunch, walking the dog after work, 6 miles on the eliptical every Tuesday night, 6-7 miles jogging on the weekends, and yoga class on Wednesday night.  Yes, I felt energized at the moment and proud of the accomplishments after it was done, that I actually got my butt in gear and did something.  But when it came to WI it was a disappointment.

I thought buying the WW complete cookbook would motivate me since I love to cook.  I have found some good recipes and some I ended up throwing in the garbage (butternut squash, sage, and mushroom casserole, yuck)  It took alot of time and effort too.  I had to roast one whole squash, and then peel and dice another whole squash.  Make a sauce with the roasted one, then cook the diced one with mushrooms and layer them together with lasagna noodles.  Picture looked great.  Producted tasted awful.  Sorry, didn’t mean to veer off subject, anyway.  What is frustrating me even more is when I go in to the planner to log my food it either doesn’t show up (which I feel would be nice since it’s a WW cookbook) or I need to imput it in the recipe builder.  I do core and the recipe states it’s core so it should register as zero points or core but it doesn’t.  It always gives me a point value.  So then I end up just putting it in as a quick add.  Disappointing.

Yesterday I was inputting a recipe into the builder and it gave me a points value of 6 which matched the cookbook and I started thinking, that’s alot of points!  So I sat down and switched my plan over to flex to see how many points I would get in a day – 19pts!  That’s it.  Now if you figure I need to shoot for the 8 healthy guidlines I would really be in a pickle.

3 servings of dairy – 6 pts

healthy oils -3 points (although I didn’t notice this on the flex plan)

Fruits and veggies – If I have two servings of fruit 4 pts, zero for veggies

That’s 13 points total!  Which leaves me with 6 pts for 3 meals = 2 pts per meal.  I could probably do breakfast with cereal and milk.  And make either lunch or dinner all veggies.  Then have a regular dinner and use my WPA for snacks.  This is way too strict for me!  I can’t do flex!

So back to why this may or may not be a game.  This week I decided I really need to focus on my eating and forget about exercise (except yoga).  I ate core all week, tried to listen to my satisfaction “sigh”, “gasp” throw things out that I didn’t finish.  But as I stepped on the scale Wednesday morning exact same weight.  So I ate my breakfast of cereal and milk, had a banana for a snack, had an apple and a grande size light caramel frappucino from Starbuck’s (3pts) for lunch, it’s my Starbuck’s diet(coffee is a appetite suppressant & diuretic), went to yoga after work and then had a salad with roasted beets for dinner.  Not alot of food and did not meet the 8 GHG.  But it moved the scale.  Today is WI and once again I really want to see a lower number.  I made myself some SF hot cocoa this morning and left the house.  I am sitting here with my hot tea and knowing I will have Starbuck’s again for lunch.  These will be the only two days Wednesday and Thursday that I have a “liquid” lunch.  Dinner will be a normal core one.  So I look at my life and say to myself.  This needs to be a lifetime commitment.  Can you commit to having Starbucks for lunch twice a week?  Heck yeah, I love Starbucks and could have it everyday.  It would be unhealthy but everyday would be no problem.  So is this a problem?  I eat healthy 5-6 days out of the week, than a smaller amount before WI.  Would you consider this a game?  I mean I kinda look at it and see myself getting better at managing portions, smaller portions and less food.  That’s what I need to make a lifestyle change and I’d still walk, jog, eliptical, and yoga.  I’m I being delusional?  After I’m back to lifetime and I need to maintain my weight I would make Starbucks just on Thursdays.  That’s the day I need to run during my lunch and deposit my check.  So usually I have a hard time getting a lunch anyway.  I would primarily focus on eating core to “satisfaction” the rest of the week.  I guess it would be the opposite.  Most people do a splurge after WI once a week, I’d just…..not sure what the opposite of splurge is.  But you get the point.

Second time around.

So in a way this all feels a little funny to me.  When I went to weigh in last week the receptionist looked at me and saw my lifetime card and said “oh, your lifetime you don’t need to pay.”  Well, if she would have looked at the WI she would have noticed I am over my goal weight and do need to pay.  I am already set up on the monthly pass so I don’t actually pay at the meeting though.  I guess it’s wierd because most people  see me and assume I don’t need to lose weight.  I hide it very well.

 The other thing is, I seem to be trapped in my past experiences not living in the present.  If that makes any sense.  I’m not even sure how to explain it.  Okay, here’s an example.  Another dear blogger Lady S was talking about her shin splints.  The only advice I could give her was to ice them due to that’s what my doctor had told me to do last time I was running. Last time.  I mean it worked but again it’s the past.  I haven’t been doing much running this time around, too cold, too dark, hate the gym. I have all kinds of excuses.  It’s just that I wish I could have told her something from my present experiences.  I guess that’s what it’s all about.  I just don’t seem to have any good, present experiences.

I haven’t felt like this is exciting, or helpful, or anything. I just feel blah, like I’m going through the motions and don’t really care what the outcome is.

+.2

Well hello there weight gain.  I know what I did and I didn’t care.  I  could have easily had a weight loss this week but it didn’t seem to matter to me.  I was okay this week doing Core, I could have done better and used my WPA better but all in all at the end of the day, Halloween night to be exact it was my decision.  I went out with my youngest and my puppy trick or treating.  Must have walked  2-3 miles that night.  When we got home we were cold so I made some Hot Cocoa, FF/SF kind for myself.  Snuggled in  with the kids and looked at all the candy.  Then it happened.  I started eating the candy.  I even said to my DH I shouldn’t be eating this I have WI tomorrow, as I finished eating the 3 Muskateer bar, and another, and another. 

Where do those WPA go?

So I’m here doing the Core thing and planning Core meals and eating Core but, I’m also aloud to eat non-Core foods as long as I use my WPA.  It’s Monday and I only have 6.5 WPA remaining!  Wow!  What the heck did I do with all of them?  So I’m sitting here going over what I ate this weekend because if I remember right I had almost all of them going into it.

Thursday – 5.5pts

• Sweet potato Butter(1pt)
• whole wheat yogurt biscuit (2pts)
• Smart balance light spread(1pt) – could switch to a butter spray
• Light Fudge Bar (1pt)
• chocolate covered altoids(.5pt)  – better than eating a York Peppermint Patty

Friday – 13.5 pts Ouch!

• pizza – 13.5 pts.  Should have just talked family out of this one.  Pizza buffets are not a good thing.

Saturday  – Fine

Sunday – 12 pts – Munchie Day

• Light Bread (1pt)
• Smart Balance Spread (1pt)
• Chocolate cup cake (2pts)
• Chocolate microwave cake(3pts)
• Ginger Cookie (1pt)
• Mini Candy Bars (4pts)

Really had a bad sweet craving on Sunday.  I did gain a few AP from walking, biking, and doing yoga.  Which puts me at 6.5 WPA left till Thursday.  Yes, I know I can make it till then without going over.  But, I’m just wondering how this will effect my WI?